(no subject)

thank god i'm back on this web site. i was having some kind of browser problem preventing me from logging in. i'll probably be able to hang in there and continue with this site-- without having anyone telling me to shut up, etc. not that they really do but you know. i'm just so suicidal and depressed lately. also i have dissociative disorder so i have many different perspectives that live inside my head and in the real world. i don't really know how to explain it without coming off as a freak that no one wants to know ... just, sometimes i can be overly chatty and other times not there at all; sometimes when referring to myself i can feel like i'm talking about someone else. for instance there's this part of me that is this very typical G*I*R*L who cares about shit like Valentines Day when normally I really couldn't care less. I mean, I will experience myself like I am someone else ahead of time which may be normal. Who knows.

just so self-conscious

But that's the type of thing we talk about in my head. All the ways I'm coming across and things I can do about that to improve my presentation. I'm so painfully shy that if I didn't rehearse everything I'm going to say ahead of time I'd probably stutter. This habit has gotten better, however. I'm much less awkward physically than I used to be. It used to be extremely difficult for me to just Act Natural at all times. I may come off as a walking stiff.

I'll have to link to a pic of myself because I know I'm attractive.

But..

I was drumming on Saturday

Tried to insert a pic. Didn't work .OH well. I think I look kind of like thora birch in my most recent pictures but i may be blind and/or have forgotten what she looks like

today

- woke up. ate jack in the box drive through
- the IOP. saw Mary waiting for her apptmnt. she showed me the book of groups.
i asked to leave the IOP to join other groups. i got into the meditation one.
- met George Manoj for lunch. he stayed briefly, declined to pay. we made
another date for tomorrow. i may postpone it until this weekend. i feel
nervous.
- came home. may have attempted to watch TV, can't recall
- perused thrift trader before going to free meditation
- texted with Mary, we left it at will probably text tomorrow.
- went to the Center for women's group only to find it closed for presidents' day
- went to the gym, did four laps sort of. jacuzzi!
- went out for a slice of pizza alone. still nursing a cherry cola
- lots of bath-tubbing.
- watched the news and Arsenio Hall