lovesher | Recent Entries

- woke up. ate jack in the box drive through
- the IOP. saw Mary waiting for her apptmnt. she showed me the book of groups.
i asked to leave the IOP to join other groups. i got into the meditation one.
- met George Manoj for lunch. he stayed briefly, declined to pay. we made
another date for tomorrow. i may postpone it until this weekend. i feel
nervous.
- came home. may have attempted to watch TV, can't recall
- perused thrift trader before going to free meditation
- texted with Mary, we left it at will probably text tomorrow.
- went to the Center for women's group only to find it closed for presidents' day
- went to the gym, did four laps sort of. jacuzzi!
- went out for a slice of pizza alone. still nursing a cherry cola
- lots of bath-tubbing.
- watched the news and Arsenio Hall

Tried to insert a pic. Didn't work .OH well. I think I look kind of like thora birch in my most recent pictures but i may be blind and/or have forgotten what she looks like

But that's the type of thing we talk about in my head. All the ways I'm coming across and things I can do about that to improve my presentation. I'm so painfully shy that if I didn't rehearse everything I'm going to say ahead of time I'd probably stutter. This habit has gotten better, however. I'm much less awkward physically than I used to be. It used to be extremely difficult for me to just Act Natural at all times. I may come off as a walking stiff.

I'll have to link to a pic of myself because I know I'm attractive.

But..

thank god i'm back on this web site. i was having some kind of browser problem preventing me from logging in. i'll probably be able to hang in there and continue with this site-- without having anyone telling me to shut up, etc. not that they really do but you know. i'm just so suicidal and depressed lately. also i have dissociative disorder so i have many different perspectives that live inside my head and in the real world. i don't really know how to explain it without coming off as a freak that no one wants to know ... just, sometimes i can be overly chatty and other times not there at all; sometimes when referring to myself i can feel like i'm talking about someone else. for instance there's this part of me that is this very typical G*I*R*L who cares about shit like Valentines Day when normally I really couldn't care less. I mean, I will experience myself like I am someone else ahead of time which may be normal. Who knows.

Soo.. for some reason I can post via phone but not computer. Ok.

I lost access to my account for a few days. I'm currently watching Mini Witch.. it's really good; cute, but more than that, a good storyline...

I remember even then hating the stigma of pedophilia being about "fun"-- wanting the honor of having a relationship with an adult, feeling it would be an intellectual honor, to be able to relate and work with an adult, and just so lost re: the society where I was. I'm torn on whether or not I want to consider the fact that as a child I had an adult who was interested in me .. whether I want to consider that victimization or detrimental. That adult intended that it should be and that I shouldn't really be able to do stuff. But, I Used the whole experience to channel masterminds from Ancient Rome so I was happy about that.

I don't know what to say.

I really want to buy some of Michael Jackson's albums.

tonight I will write about my pursuit of Sappho later. Since I was a small child. I just remember in the beginning I was nonplussed by Sylvia Plath. That changed recently… But anyway. I felt like she would want me personally to understand her poetry and suddenly I did. I just realized it was naïve of me to think that women didn’t seek out with baths on the isle of Sappho. that is what they were there to do, and to write poetry about it.

So. that's what I do.

And I think about these advanced intelligent beings, these women who live forever.

I went to kundalini yoga with Guru Rattana. She spoke about putting energy out to the universe and the concept of recipricocity as it relates to Valentines Day. As usual she was warm and inspiring. I'm so glad I went, really put the whole thing into perspective. It was all women which someone there mentioned as well. It made me feel so much better about Valentines Day and everything. And, they're moving into a nicer space which will be good. I left wanting to buy several of her books. One of them in particular deals with the destiny of being a woman. Then I talked myself out of it thinking I know this person, I can always go back. I'm laughing now because that's actually a reason. I will buy some next time. I need things here to hold onto re: the positive things I find.

I cannot stress enough how soothing the whole thing was re: Valentines.

The best circle I've been to in awhile and I just went to Imbolc last week which was all right. Until we got to the food part and as usual they brought the same foods every circle I've ever been to from coast to coast, the same soups the same appetizers the same cheese and crackers the same desserts.. nothing noteable. I don't know how they do it- potlucks are always the same. It's like there's one floating recipe book in the sky everyone borrows from or something because there are dishes you wouldn't think would be constantly replicated at every potluck but they are. And speaking of- tomorrow is the poly potluck with the celebs from Showtime but I feel weird going to that alone.

I'm talking to this guy on the internet who sucks.

I am gay but for a lot of money or to hang out with celebs I can be anything.

So in other words I'm not Ellen DeGeneres.

a part of me finds journals stupid but i'm in love with the fact that i'm making contact with human beings outside of facebook. and livejournal eventually was like a mini-facebook to me. but that was years ago. which makes it even worse. wow, that's a long story. yeah i'm barely hanging in here actually so this is kind of for therapeutic purpose. I kind of came close to attempting suicide on Christmas. it's a longer story. I can't believe I wrote about the aforementioned girl so quickly without doing her or it justice. I guess she does herself justice. OK anyway she scared me because I really thought she was straight but I didn't really get it. I met someone new I may be moving in with. I hate to jinx it but what if one day I find something real that cannot jinxed. I always jump the gun and think something is going to happen and then nothing does. I'm just so so tired of being alone.

so I can almost feel a push and that's good.

SO I was thinking earlier about this girl we knew. She used to argue with me that because this girl had no breasts to speak of she was basically a Roman boy that was very attractive. I didn't even realize this argument was put out there because one day I was going to think she'd be superior perhaps with large breasts. But that's what I found myself thinking tonight.

If she had large breasts she'd understand a couple of things about sex.

OTOH part of me finds that interesting, arousing, and perfect

IF they don't see each other in reality.

That she is intelligent with small breasts.

I just feel pretty hopeless. Would man, woman, or child ever leave their partner for me? I became interested in bisexual men. The only men I go near are girls. I forget what I was saying. Usually she is with me in my head to remind me and fill in my sentences. I guess she doesn't feel like it. Or I don't care. I don't remember WHAT I was saying with this. Just that I don't really like men, or they're not as important, or something, but I'm tired of feeling like I'd have to coax anyone away to have a relationship with me. Oh, just I look like K.D Lang in one of the pictures I have of myself and I don't know WHAT the fuck others thought if I knew... am I femme or butch do I look gay? Am I pretty? Am I pretty ugly? Because I'm always alone. I'm always alone.

I just want a life partner.

I'm probably this annoying girl that nobody wants near. :(

And the cool thing is I don't even know anyone on this site so no one will ever say anything but

okay the last post is not entirely true. tonight I had a bisexual night, where I felt seriously attracted to men. One man in particular. But he's been married 20 years! So.

and i need to be writing somewhere because it's almost valentines day. i almost sat at a restaurant alone as usual and ate a huge chocolate cake. i'm struggling not to eat the muffins i got there and to eat as usual. thanks, if i have friends who understand i have an eating problem. i don't know what happened. i guess at some point i became a "fat dyke" and this person is just like go out and have sex with men you know you enjoy it. i used to care.

i find myself becoming bisexual because i have no choice, that or suicide, in my quest to find out what makes the other person stay . so that i can't go near. but i shouldn't be like that because .. oh look there is a God someone hath noticed me here maybe.

i'm going to strive to write about how i feel here.

so. but that's what i'm going to be writing about here. because i was on this journey to be with and marry this person i am with in mind and soul only to find out that in reality she married another woman. has that happened to any other lesbians?

also if you come across me please add i need friends.

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loves her not

Recent Entries

today

I was drumming on Saturday

just so self-conscious

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And this is how we got to Michael.

on another note

things maybe only I care about.

tonight

I think I will be moving in with someone because others are starting to worry about me being alone

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whining

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does anybody care? this is the internet.

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February 2014

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